The computer takes more blame for the operators’ mistakes than they do. I suppose it’s because, unlike the operator, the computer doesn’t have to listen to the complainers crap!
Lots
Trudy, a very substantial woman and a waitress . . .
If you buy just what you need and not what you want, you’d have a lot less needs.
Lifers
The Ohio prosecutor, who jokingly filed a criminal indictment against the groundhog, Punxsutawaney Phil, for fraudulently predicting an early spring, . . .
Why do those who understand not what they say, say so much?
On a Roll
Did you read about the team of students, at Purdue University, who won a $20,000 prize for creating a biodegradable fireworks casing out of corn that is lighter and less expensive . . .
A kind word is never forgotten.
The Politician
Did you hear that Smith & Wesson came out with a new gun? It’s called the “Politician.” It won’t work and you can’t fire it.
Lights Out
I had four beers,
When I . . .
A cutting remark never heals.
The Obvious
Did you ever get the feeling that a lot of our congressmen vote for what’s good for them and not what’s best for the country and their constituents?
Or am I the only one who can see the obvious?
Peace . . .
I can guarantee that the person who said, “Seventy is the new thirty,” has never been seventy.
Less Meat
Pedro Quezada, who won the $338 million Powerball jackpot, was asked what he was going to do with all that money. He said he could . . .
We are all entitled to our opinions…no matter how erroneous.
Dad
When I was a boy,
My dad was king,
He could do,
Almost anything.
Then in my teens,
It became otherwise.
I grew taller than him
And twice as wise.
But as I aged,
Thru many a summer,
. . .
It doesn’t matter which way you go, as long as you get there.
Just the Bare Facts
The Supreme Court recently ruled that people charged with minor offenses, like traffic violations or public intoxication, can be strip searched, even if there . . .
Are hockey fans…puckers?
The Ass
On Palm Sunday, Jesus rode into Jerusalem on an ass, followed by a procession of his followers, while others laid palms and their cloaks in his path.
In Pat’s church on that day, a re-enactment of Jesus’ . . .
When you do nothing… nothing happens.
April Showers
April showers bring May flowers,
We’ve heard the poets say.
But I love it when the sun does shine,
And drive the rain away.
Oh, April showers; I love your flowers,
They’re such a . . .
Why is Greenland mostly ice
and Iceland mostly green?
The Retirement
The fifteenth of April,
Is National Tax Day,
What you worked so hard for,
They taketh away.
They’re not even hungry,
Yet they spend it on pork,
. . .
If home is where one hangs their hat, does that mean a hatless person homeless?
Complete and Finished
In a recently held linguistic competition in London and attended by the best linguist in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, man was the . . .
The Boot
Connolly is me Irish friend,
He’s as Irish as can be.
“What happened to your O,” I asked,
The O’ in O’Connolly?
‘Tis a long and painful story mate,
So order us a jar or two,
And we’ll sit here . . .
Beer: helping shy people dance
for over 7000 years.
On or Off
Pro and college football players have been accused of using a banned substance called, deer antler spray, to in enhance their performance. Now I’m just trying to figure out what . . .
If the violence and fights were outlawed from hockey…there wouldn’t be near as many hockey puckers around.
Dear God,
Why do you allow so much violence in our schools?
~A concerned student
Dear Student,
I’m no longer . . .
Have you ever seen a willow weep?
Under the Cover
On Valentine’s Day
Treat your lady sweet,
Send her some flowers,
And take her to eat.
Look in her eyes,
Tell her you love her,
Then in no time,
It’s under the cover.
Zap…Zap
Today at Mass, . . .
The problem with getting a fat head…
is your hat won’t fit anymore.
The Papal Pardon
Paolo, the Pope’s personal butler, received a penance to be performed in the papal prison, for pilfering and peddling parts and pieces from the . . .
The truth will always be the truth…no matter how much the politicians lie.
Fruitcake Anyone
Did you read about the guy who was badly mauled when he jumped from the elevated train, into the tiger’s den at the Bronx Zoo? The reason he . . .
Don’t swim against the tide or pee into the wind. In the first case, you won’t get anywhere and in the second, you’ll still be all wet.
The Wicked Bible
In 1631, the so-called “Wicked Bible,” was printed. A competitor . . .
Schindler Sez…
It will take more than a GPS to
get you to heaven
Gobbled
I detest Thanksgiving,
Serve the stuffing’s no more.
The cranberries are acidic,
The mashed potatoes a bore.
The filling in the pie
From some pumpkin you took.
When . . .
You don’t have to be handsome or pretty, to be a beautiful human being.
No Call
Stan asked me my phone number and when I hesitated, he said, “What’s the matter, don’t you know your own phone number?”
“I . . .
It is better to have it and not need it…than it is to need it and not have it.
The Right and Left
Politically speaking, have you ever wondered why Conservatives are called the “Right,” and Liberals the “Left?”
A verse . . .
There is an olde saying that goes, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” I beg to differ. You can teach an old dog new tricks, it just takes a lot more time and patience.
Apparently, I’m supposed to be more outraged by what . . .
Schindler Sez…
It doesn’t matter which way you go, as long as you get there.
The Skivvie on Sim’s Fondest Memory
During breakfast this morning with my eighty-three-year old friend, Sim Hain, at the West End Restaurant, I asked him what . . .
Everybody likes to laugh…but no one likes to be laughed at.
Nuts
In vaudeville days, the cheapest and rowdiest seats in the house were called the peanut gallery. That’s because that audience usually bought peanuts since they were the . . .
When you’re employed,
you’re more employable.
The Invitation
Millie, Helen and Irene’s friend, passed away. Shortly afterward, Helen’s children were planning a surprise birthday party for her. Not realizing Millie had died, . . .
Bad mouths have broken many a nose.
The Horse & The Ass
My nephew, Dougie, sent me the following quote by Larry Pillow, which he thought was memorable.
“When your horse dies, dismount.”
So in Dougie’s honor, I coined the following . . .
The deal’s not done until the
check clears the bank.
Sorry
If you drink regular or diet pop, I can promise two things that won’t happen to you. First, you won’t get any healthier and second, you won’t get any sweeter. Sorry . . .
What do tornados have against
trailer parks?
A Quote to remember on July 4th
This Nation will remain the land of the free only so long as it is the home of the brave.
~Elmer Davis
Prince Less
As Holly was watching Prince William and Kate Middleton’s . . .
You don’t have to own a donkey to kick a_ _.
Father’s Day
On June 19th,
Don’t forget dad,
If it wasn’t for him,
You might have been bad.
The Smart Phone
“Dad,” my son Jimmie, asked, “Why don’t you get . . .