Once, I thought I was goofy,
but I knew better than that.
Together Again
If Napoleon could gather all his bones together …would he still be Bonaparte?
The Real Problem
Do you know what the real problem is with our dysfunctional congress? Forty-five . . .
Old age isn’t for wimps. Just ask me!
Mother’s Fault
Since Mother Nature made everything taste so good and since we have to eat to live, I hate to say it, “But it’s her fault I have a fat head!”
Series-us
There is an . . .
Are hockey fans…puckers?
Go At It
The University of California psychologists have found that gossip can be therapeutic and make you feel better. So go at it ladies, as if you need any additional encouragement.
The Catcher
Calvin Johnson, an . . .
Anything is better than nothing!
Bi
While in the process of checking out at the grocery store the cashier asked, “Paper or plastic?”
“It doesn’t matter to me,” the customer replied, “I’m bi-sacksual!”
In . . .
A sure way to alienate your grown children is to stick your nose in their business.
The Real Whopper
I overheard one lady say to another. “I worked my derriere off for that company and they let me go.”
Looking at her I thought . . .
Don’t retire before you expire.
The Dress
(An ad as it appeared
in a British newspaper).
For sale: wedding dress
~ worn only once ~ by mistake.
The Steal Business
I have a friend who is in the steel business. One day, when a stranger inquired . . .
Self-praise is not praiseworthy
The Right Side
There are two sides to every marital spat; the right side and her side.
Ladies, if it would make you happier, I’ll reverse it. There are two sides to every marital spat; her side and the right side.
Dying . . .
Knowledge is priceless … Ignorance is free!
The Exceptions
Harold Camping, the California preacher, who erroneously predicted the end of the world, not once, but twice, is obviously preaching the wrong message. Maybe he just wanted to scare . . .
Never let your emotions override your judgment… A hot head doesn’t do any
cool thinking!
Laughless
“When I tell my husband a joke he never laughs,” Holly was telling me, somewhat peeved. “But when he tells someone else . . .
“You can’t solve a problem by throwing money at it!”
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if our politicians and bureaucrats understood this?
Jack
A lot of people don’t know Jack. Do you know Jack? If you don’t, I’ll . . .
If every snowflake is different, why does all snow look alike?
Christmas Eve
Santa lost his way tonight,
It was an awful mess.
For Rudolph’s nose was none too bright,
And he lost his GPS.
Rudolph, turn the voltage up,
For my way I cannot make,
. . .
The difference between a hotel and a motel is…a hotel can charge more.
The Guilt Trip
Every December, my old friend, Mark, who happens to be Jewish, gives me a day planner, which I use to keep track of my daily appointments. Late this past . . .
You don’t have to be a turkey to gobble.
The Feast
On Thanksgiving Day
We count our blessings,
Then stuff our faces,
With turkey and dressings.
Pass me please,
The candied yams,
The ruby red cranberries,
And honey baked ham.
Next, the mashed potatoes,
They’ll . . .
When many people say they don’t remember, what they really mean is they never knew.
Idiocy Personified
A friend of mine emailed me the following, which definitely helps to explain my theory, that there are more village idiots in Washington, than . . .
You can’t buy class.
Only the classless think they can.
No Guts
I hate Halloween,
Mary the pumpkin said,
They carved up my face,
And lit up my head.
They took all my innards,
And made pumpkin pie.
I felt so empty,
I thought I would die.
Thanksgiving’s . . .
Never talk too much about too little.
The Earrings
My friend Dan and I were having dinner at Bandido’s, my favorite Mexican restaurant, when a college basketball player came in. After looking him over, Dan wondered, “How in the heck . . .
Uncle Sam, can you hear me?
You can’t spend yourself out of debt.
Bad Judge
When it comes to the judges on “America’s Got Talent,” I think Pierce (Morgan), is obviously the most competent. Sharon (Osbourne) is pretty and . . .
The most beneficial force in the world is love.
The most destructive is hate.
Jesus’ Underwear
The second grade class at St. Monica’s Catholic Grade School just made their first communion. For a treat, the parish priest, Fr. Jeff, supplied . . .
If I learned from all my mistakes…
I’d be pretty damn smart!
The Bread Man
It always amazes me when I hear folks raving about how much money they saved by buying this or that on sale. Excuse me, but when people spend their hard-earned money, . . .
Folks, I have good news and bad news. Since the world didn’t end, as some naysayer predicted, I guess you’re still stuck with me. Sorry about your luck.
The Biggest Loser?
I just read Notre Dame paid their ex-football coach, Charlie Weis, . . .
A wound from a cutting remark…never heals.
Rough Sailing
(The names have been changed to protect my derriere)
Since Matt and Lisa both work, they share the household duties.
Yesterday, as Matt was finishing the laundry and was folding . . .
A kind word is a joy forever.
Tanks
In gratitude for the Army’s help in forcing Hosni Mubarak out of office, the people of Egypt say, “Tanks.”
The Shack
I’ve seen a lot of shacks in my time, but none of them could play basketball.
Not . . .
He who relies on luck to get ahead, will be done in for when his luck runs out.
No Ties
When my wife, Fry, and I go out to dinner, a party, or for any other auspicious occasion, I very seldom wear a tie. I usually wear an opened neck shirt or a turtleneck . . .
Why can’t I remember what I forgot?
No More Tricks
At our recent class of 52′ get-to-gether, the table was quite crowded and cramped. So, as Carl was trying to get up and squeeze out, his chair fell over backwards.
“Are you . . .
Over time, truth triumphs!
The Wiper
I walked into my favorite Mexican restaurant and sat down in the bar.
“Kim,” I yelled at the bartender, “throw me a towel. This table needs wiped off.”
“I’ll get it,” . . .
What was so damn great about
the Great Depression?
The Wet Bike
Three year-old Tami was riding her tricycle when daddy came out to bring her in for lunch.
On lifting her off of the tricycle, he noticed the seat was wet.
“What happened?” . . .
Money can’t buy happiness and happiness can’t buy money,
but wouldn’t we all be happier if we had a little more money?
Arthuritis
As you age, and the doctor can’t seem to figure out what’s wrong with you…that . . .
The fruit of the vine…loosens the lips.
A Duck Groaner
While having lunch at Columbia Street Restaurant, with my 88-year-old mother-in-law, she mentioned they had duck burgers.
“Duck burgers,” I replied, “eating duck . . .
Strive to rise above average. For if you’re average, you’re just another face in the crowd.
The “F” Word
In William’s pre-kindergarten class, the letter for the week was “F”. When the teacher asked William . . .
The Lost Marbles
The Indiana House members, who fled to an Illinois hotel to avoid doing the job they were elected to do, reminds me of the kid who didn’t think he could win if he played by the rules, so he took his marbles and went home.
Could . . .