You don’t have to be handsome or pretty, to be a beautiful human being.
No Call
Stan asked me my phone number and when I hesitated, he said, “What’s the matter, don’t you know your own phone number?”
“I . . .
It is better to have it and not need it…than it is to need it and not have it.
The Right and Left
Politically speaking, have you ever wondered why Conservatives are called the “Right,” and Liberals the “Left?”
A verse . . .
There is an olde saying that goes, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” I beg to differ. You can teach an old dog new tricks, it just takes a lot more time and patience.
Apparently, I’m supposed to be more outraged by what . . .
Schindler Sez…
It doesn’t matter which way you go, as long as you get there.
The Skivvie on Sim’s Fondest Memory
During breakfast this morning with my eighty-three-year old friend, Sim Hain, at the West End Restaurant, I asked him what . . .
Everybody likes to laugh…but no one likes to be laughed at.
Nuts
In vaudeville days, the cheapest and rowdiest seats in the house were called the peanut gallery. That’s because that audience usually bought peanuts since they were the . . .
When you’re employed,
you’re more employable.
The Invitation
Millie, Helen and Irene’s friend, passed away. Shortly afterward, Helen’s children were planning a surprise birthday party for her. Not realizing Millie had died, . . .
Bad mouths have broken many a nose.
The Horse & The Ass
My nephew, Dougie, sent me the following quote by Larry Pillow, which he thought was memorable.
“When your horse dies, dismount.”
So in Dougie’s honor, I coined the following . . .
The deal’s not done until the
check clears the bank.
Sorry
If you drink regular or diet pop, I can promise two things that won’t happen to you. First, you won’t get any healthier and second, you won’t get any sweeter. Sorry . . .
What do tornados have against
trailer parks?
A Quote to remember on July 4th
This Nation will remain the land of the free only so long as it is the home of the brave.
~Elmer Davis
Prince Less
As Holly was watching Prince William and Kate Middleton’s . . .
You don’t have to own a donkey to kick a_ _.
Father’s Day
On June 19th,
Don’t forget dad,
If it wasn’t for him,
You might have been bad.
The Smart Phone
“Dad,” my son Jimmie, asked, “Why don’t you get . . .
Once, I thought I was goofy,
but I knew better than that.
Together Again
If Napoleon could gather all his bones together …would he still be Bonaparte?
The Real Problem
Do you know what the real problem is with our dysfunctional congress? Forty-five . . .
Old age isn’t for wimps. Just ask me!
Mother’s Fault
Since Mother Nature made everything taste so good and since we have to eat to live, I hate to say it, “But it’s her fault I have a fat head!”
Series-us
There is an . . .
Are hockey fans…puckers?
Go At It
The University of California psychologists have found that gossip can be therapeutic and make you feel better. So go at it ladies, as if you need any additional encouragement.
The Catcher
Calvin Johnson, an . . .
Anything is better than nothing!
Bi
While in the process of checking out at the grocery store the cashier asked, “Paper or plastic?”
“It doesn’t matter to me,” the customer replied, “I’m bi-sacksual!”
In . . .
A sure way to alienate your grown children is to stick your nose in their business.
The Real Whopper
I overheard one lady say to another. “I worked my derriere off for that company and they let me go.”
Looking at her I thought . . .
Don’t retire before you expire.
The Dress
(An ad as it appeared
in a British newspaper).
For sale: wedding dress
~ worn only once ~ by mistake.
The Steal Business
I have a friend who is in the steel business. One day, when a stranger inquired . . .
Self-praise is not praiseworthy
The Right Side
There are two sides to every marital spat; the right side and her side.
Ladies, if it would make you happier, I’ll reverse it. There are two sides to every marital spat; her side and the right side.
Dying . . .
Knowledge is priceless … Ignorance is free!
The Exceptions
Harold Camping, the California preacher, who erroneously predicted the end of the world, not once, but twice, is obviously preaching the wrong message. Maybe he just wanted to scare . . .
Never let your emotions override your judgment… A hot head doesn’t do any
cool thinking!
Laughless
“When I tell my husband a joke he never laughs,” Holly was telling me, somewhat peeved. “But when he tells someone else . . .
“You can’t solve a problem by throwing money at it!”
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if our politicians and bureaucrats understood this?
Jack
A lot of people don’t know Jack. Do you know Jack? If you don’t, I’ll . . .
If every snowflake is different, why does all snow look alike?
Christmas Eve
Santa lost his way tonight,
It was an awful mess.
For Rudolph’s nose was none too bright,
And he lost his GPS.
Rudolph, turn the voltage up,
For my way I cannot make,
. . .
The difference between a hotel and a motel is…a hotel can charge more.
The Guilt Trip
Every December, my old friend, Mark, who happens to be Jewish, gives me a day planner, which I use to keep track of my daily appointments. Late this past . . .
You don’t have to be a turkey to gobble.
The Feast
On Thanksgiving Day
We count our blessings,
Then stuff our faces,
With turkey and dressings.
Pass me please,
The candied yams,
The ruby red cranberries,
And honey baked ham.
Next, the mashed potatoes,
They’ll . . .
When many people say they don’t remember, what they really mean is they never knew.
Idiocy Personified
A friend of mine emailed me the following, which definitely helps to explain my theory, that there are more village idiots in Washington, than . . .
You can’t buy class.
Only the classless think they can.
No Guts
I hate Halloween,
Mary the pumpkin said,
They carved up my face,
And lit up my head.
They took all my innards,
And made pumpkin pie.
I felt so empty,
I thought I would die.
Thanksgiving’s . . .