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APRIL 1ST DISTURBANCE AT SCOTTS

Artie was always just a shy kind of guy. He was harmless; at least that’s what some people thought. Most people have seen him riding around Waynedale on his bicycle as he kept to himself, never bothering anybody.

It started over a five-dollar bill, or at least the change from a five-dollar bill. Artie, thirsty after his usual Waynedale route, stopped in at Scotts Foods on Bluffton Road. He selected his favorite, a red-pop, and proceeded to the express checkout lane, next to the managers office. He handed the checkout girl, Malinda Lavender, the five-dollar bill and she proceeded to give him $3.76 back in change.

That’s when the trouble started. Artie looked at Malinda and said, “You owe me another dollar.”

Malinda looked at the change and explained, “No, it shows right on my cash register here, $3.76. Look in your hand, there is $3.76, just like the register says.”

Artie was unconvinced. Maybe he wasn’t feeling well, or maybe he couldn’t comprehend the mathematics of the cash register. Whatever it was, it set him off. He did something he had never done before. He reached across the counter and grabbed Malinda by the throat.

Malinda was able to choke out a restricted scream and the manager, who was luckily nearby, vaulted over the glass partition, landed on Artie, and knocked him to the floor. Artie let go of Malinda and grabbed the store manager by the throat and began choking him. The manager, Dilbert Gargle, wasn’t much heavier than the checkout girl, and without much effort Artie had him on his back. Dilbert was thrashing and trying to escape as best he could, but Artie was just too strong. Luckily, Freddie Kanton had been waiting in line, and had been watching the entire events as they unfolded. Freddie called 911 the minute Artie had grabbed Malinda and the police were on their way. He could see the store manager needed help, so there was nothing he could do but get involved. He tackled Artie and drug him off of Dilbert, but in so doing found himself in the grasp of Artie’s strong hands. It was with great difficulty that the police were able to drag him away from the throat and bulging eyes of Freddie Kanton. When Fort Wayne Police Officer Cornell Wiley sent the police report to The Waynedale News, the following headline was inevitable. “AT SCOTTS FOODS, ARTICHOKES THREE FOR A DOLLAR.”

The Waynedale News Staff

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