- In the South: If you run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
2. Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.
3. Remember, ‘Y’all’ is singular, ‘all y’all’ is plural, and ‘all y’all’s’ is plural possessive.
4. Get used to hearing, “Y’all ain’t frum ‘round here, are ya?”
5. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.
6. Don’t be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can’t understand you either.
7. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner’s vocabulary is the adjective ‘big’ol,’ truck ol ‘big’ol’ boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
8. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
9. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all watch this,” you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he’ll ever say.
10. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn’t matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
11. Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns; they are proficient marksmen, and their mamas taught them how to shoot.
12. In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.
13. AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don’t think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we ain’t gonna call ‘em biscuits. Your life could turn into a country music song ‘fore you know it.
14. And remember, you can say anything you want to about a person as long as you add the ultimate southern term of affection, “BLESS THEIR HEART,” at the end of it!
So, y’all read this and enjoy it,
BLESS YOUR HEART.