The Great Outdoors

THE COLD – Home Country

One thing about cold: it drives folks indoors. But in some cases, it also can provide entertainment, enlightenment, laughter and education. We’re not talking your local PBS station, here, but Alphonse “Windy” Wilson.

This time of year, Windy becomes a seasonal member of the Mule Barn truck stop’s world dilemma think tank, and usually sticks around until things thaw out. And this morning, Windy’s unique approach to the English language took on the weather outside.

“Boys, I gotta tell you. This cold transmits me reversely to the winter of ’47. Cold? It thicklicated your blood so much you could hardly walk. You remember it, Doc? Ol’ Miller at the dairy had to ignitiolize a fire under the milk separator to liquinate it. Why, even the dickie birds got refrigelated up and crashed!

“You boys know about them engine heatilations, right? Well, it was so cold we were obligatored to pre-heat the blamed firewood before we could burn it. Diesel trucks were immobilating up at sixty miles an hour and it still took them a mile and a half to stop.

“Some of the women were knitling up sweaters that would fit two people, just to take advantage of the body heat. Dang near caused epilemic divorce, ’cause the husband wanted to go one way and the wife another. I tell you, it was parsimonium! It was blame near four days and nights erstwhile an ol’ he-coon down ‘long Lewis Creek recomnized he’d been treed by the hounds, ‘cuz the dogs’ bawling frosticated up concretely afore he could hear it.”
Windy paused for a sip or two. No one wanted to interrupt.
“Some winters,” Windy said, “just take the former limitarions to obliqueness!”

Yeah. We’d always figured it that way, too.

Can’t hear Windy butcher the English language? The first step is a free hearing test. Call them up and ask. Beltone. 1-866-867-8700.

Slim Randles
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Slim Randles

Six years ago he began writing a syndicated humor column for newspapers called “Home Country.” He’s also the author of 16 books, including three novels and the biography of The Rounders author, Max Evans. One of Slim’s most recent books, “A Cowboy’s Guide to Growing Up Right” has won two state awards and one national award. > Read Full Biography > More Articles Written By This Writer