I’m a moron when it comes to tech stuff. When my sons gave me an I-pod, I actually thought it was a transistor radio. I told them I could only get one channel on the darn thing but it was a great channel. Had all my favorite beach music on it and the really cool part was that whenever I cut it off, it always came back on to the same song and there were never any commercials. Man is that ever awesome?

Now comes my newest technological challenge-text messaging. The first recorded text message was sent in December of 1992. Before you’re done reading this article, the total number of text messages sent will exceed the population of the United States. Twenty-four hours from now, they will exceed the population of the entire planet.

I don’t get the hidden messages within text messages. (MEGO) my eyes glaze over when it comes to this stuff. Does anyone write in complete sentences anymore? Do people still talk to one another over the phone?

I realize I’m a (nOOb) newbie to the text message thing. So (?4U) I have a question for you and I’m not looking for (2MI) too much information. (B4) before text messaging, how did we manage to communicate?

The big challenge is figuring out all the acronyms. I can’t wait until my two year old granddaughter Ashley gets a little older so I can ask her what all this #$%^& means. I’m trying to (T+) think positive here but I prefer to (SIT) stay in touch the old fashion way… with e-mail and the telephone.

But even e-mail is like alphabet stew anymore. Yes, when one of my employees needs (SOS) help, all he needs to do is ask for help. What’s with the (SOS) stuff? Help is only one letter longer. Of course, (SOS) could also stand for Son of Sam.

I promised my wife today I would (T:}T) think happy thoughts when I wrote this column, but I’m wondering if my (PEEPS) people who are reading this garbage understand all this stuff. Come on (d00d) get with it. Why not just spell dude? I can understand that.

(NIGI) now I get it. I’m almost 60 and this is a language I just don’t understand. I keep saying to myself (WIIFE) what’s in it for me? I have to keep a text message manual around to understand what the sender is saying. (RTMS) read the manual stupid. (TA) thanks a lot. (WTG) way to go… screw up my entire life by making me learn a new language. I’m too old and grumpy for this nonsense. I feel like telling them (MYOB) mind your own business. (OMG) oh my God… (NSISR) not sure I spelled that right.

Kids love this stuff. They can communicate in code to keep their parents in the dark. For instance, (P911) clearly gives the receiver a heads up that the parents are coming into the room. You could also go with the old standby (PAW) parents are watching. You have to give your (PEEPS) a heads-up. Can’t have the older generation knowing what’s between your ears. (GF) God forbid!

I want these kids to know I’m onto them. (TA) thanks a lot. You can no longer get one by this old (GZR) geezer. I might be (SQ) square, but I got my trusty text message glossary close by and it’s (AWESO) awesome, which is how every kid under 18 describes everything today. What’s that about? How can everything be (AWESO)?

I suspect I might be (ZZZZ) putting you to sleep with all this gibberish. Personally, I have (ZOT) zero tolerance for all this. (YYSSW) yeah, yeah, sure, sure, whatever, you say. You could have just said what every kid under 18 says (W/E) whatever and saved a few letters. But no, (UGTBK) you’ve got to be kidding; you have to pontificate with the yeah, yeah, sure, sure crap. (UNBLEFBLE) unbelievable!

What I really feel like saying is (^URS) up yours with all this acronym stuff. (BM) bite me. (STFU) shut the freak up.

(TTFN) ta-ta for now. (CUL8R) see you later. Have a good (W/E) weekend. (ENUF) enough already!

I’m (1AM) one angry man…the last one’s on me.

The Waynedale News Staff

The Waynedale News Staff

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