August 1, 2009
Mr. Robert Stark
c/o The Waynedale News
2700 Lower Huntington Road
Waynedale, Indiana 46809
It’s meeeeeeeeeeee! It’s been a while since I’ve talked to you or even been in Waynedale for that matter. My little tubby hubby Wayne and I miss everyone. We have been in the south doing our thing in retirement and we’ve gotten bored with nothing to do but lay around in the sun all day. I mean I’ve gotten about as tan as a body can get what with basking in the sun all the time sans apparel; you know, nude, naked, no tan lines?
We found this darling colony and we’ve really enjoyed basking at the beach. It’s too darned hot to go without clothes lately though. Poor Wayne burned his dignity in no small way and had to spend a week in bed getting it rubbed down with cream by some very young visiting nurses until I hand picked the ones I wanted. I made sure that they were the Nurse Crotchet type, you know, double ugly with hands like iron claws? That will teach him to giggle the way he did, the little darlin’.
Anyway Bobby, Wayne and I have made up our minds to move back to Waynedale where all our friends and family live. Naturally I’ll be looking for something to do since I don’t want to be cooped up with Wayne all the time and I don’t like to watch football or golf. I was wondering if you might need a restaurant critic. I’ve noticed that you don’t have one now.
We’ll be looking for an apartment or a small house somewhere in the Waynedale/Avalon area. Wayne is looking to going to American Legion Post 241 so we can have someplace to go on weekends without spending a lot of money on food and entertainment or driving. Their Friday night fish fries were the greatest and I loved their Sunday Bingo.
Awaiting your answer,
Mrs. Wayne T. Dale
Mrs. Wayne T. Dale
Brown Bottoms Naturist Center
Dear Mrs. Dale,
Things have changed a bit since you wrote a sort of “restaurant critique” column for THE WAYNEDALE NEWS a few years back.
#1 – Mr. Robert Stark retired recently and sold the paper to us.
#2 – We enjoy reading your past columns very much; however we noticed that a lot of your columns were based on people blowing “. . . nasty old cigarette smoke,” in your face when you went out to eat. Waynedale has gone ‘SMOKE FREE’ in all their restaurants now and we believe that maybe your columns had a lot to do with it. You certainly did have people talking.
#3 – We would enjoy working with you again after you get back to Waynedale and get settled in. We may not be doing restaurant reviews per se but we welcome your comments on life in and around Waynedale in the form of a new/improved column if you would like to attempt it. We will grant you carte blanche in writing your column since we are sure you will go ahead and take it anyway. We are sorry but we can only offer the same amount of money that Bob paid you to write for the paper the last time. Maybe we can swing a modest raise for you when we get financially settled ourselves?
Looking forward to hearing from you,
THE WAYNEDALE NEWS’ new owners/staff
Alex, Mike, & Cindy
Editor’s Note: (Carte blanche according to Webster’s Dictionary means: ‘Full discretionary power’ and we may well regret having given it to Mrs. Wayne Dale. So look out Waynedale, Indiana here she comes – AGAIN!