This weeks HTYH is a continuation of Larcine’s story: New people want 25 years of spiritual growth in one meeting but it doesn’t work that way, if you want 25 years of growth it will take 25 years of meetings, it’s one small step at a time, but man-o-man it’s worth it. From the time that I surrendered to the Alanon program, until the present, life has had its ups and downs but it’s been generally good, far better than it was when I was trying to control my husband and everything else. Happiness is an inside job, nobody can hand it to us on a silver platter, we find it within ourselves by doing a few simple daily actions, working the steps with a sponsor, sharing our story with people who have the same problem, laughing about things that used to rip us apart and by allowing a Higher Power to manifest itself in our life. Chronic alcoholism causes darkness and it only allows us to see the negative side of life, but by practicing the Alanon program, it allows us to see the light, the color and the beauty that is everywhere around us; if I let myself look for it and be grateful for what I’ve been so freely given.
I’m still a really sick person. When I was 15 years into the Alanon program, I attended a conference with wonderful speakers and workshops and left there with serenity oozing from every orifice of my body. After returning home I went into our garage and found a CA drivers license for a 34-year-old woman. Immediately, I imagined that my 19-year-old son, who has some issues, had shacked-up with this woman, in my house, while I was at that convention. My magic magnifying mind suddenly imagined this woman had sex with my son. I imagined she wanted to marry him and that she already had two children who wanted to call me grandma. Information from nowhere, it just popped into my mind. I marched into the house where my husband was laying on the couch and showed him the driver’s license. Butch has no imagination whatsoever and I told him what I thought had happened, but he ignored me. I called up my sponsor who rarely ever gives me direct advice, but this time she said, “Shut Up, when you see your son again don’t you dare start accusing him of all the things you’ve imagined, his self esteem is low enough without you making him feel worse.” Two days later, my son walked into our kitchen but by then, I had forgot about it. He asked me, “Mom what do you do when you find somebody’s driver’s license?”
I’ve been in Alanon fifteen years, my husband has been sober longer than that and people ask me, “Why do you still go to Alanon meetings?” Ten seconds of imagined insane thoughts in our garage that’s why, if they could’ve witnessed my behavior two days earlier, they wouldn’t ask that question. At any given second my mind can make up garbage, but when I take it to a meeting, they look at me and say, “Garbage, you’re making up garbage again, throw it away, that’s not real, let’s get back to reality.” My sponsor said, “When we’re concerned about our children it’s better to think positive thoughts and send them positive energy instead of fearful negative energy; which would you rather they have?” Unconditional love is not just a slogan in Alanon; it’s very real. Three years ago we learned our oldest son and his wife were going to have a son. Good heavens get on with it; he’s already thirty years old. These days they know everything right away and when they said our grandson would be born in May, I was filled with joy until I looked at my calendar and discovered that I was supposed to be traveling and speaking every weekend in May. To be continued.