TALES FROM THE CARIBBEAN

Waynedale’s most infamous Sea Captain, Master Boat Carpenter, and notorious practical joker, recently bought another rooster and named this one Barrack Two. His first Barrack suffered an untimely demise after a Rastafarian let him have it with a pellet gun. The first Barrack had black and white feathers but this Barrack is abundantly adorned with brilliant red and black feathers, gold feathers around his humongous neck, massive yellow legs, long razor-sharp ebony talons and extraordinary, long, black, tail feathers; he’s twice the size of the first Barrack.

After bringing the second Barrack back to his boat yard, the captain started training him to be a “mission specific” rooster by gathering handfuls of incinerated insects from under a bug zapper, and rolling them into a double wide, cigarette paper and putting worms and other squirming treats into miniature baggies like the ones drug dealers use. Barrack Two’s enormous appetite consumed about twice the quantity of insects and worms during his basic training as the first Barrack. It took persuasion and a large donation to the sheriff’s benevolent fund to get Barrack Two deputized but he did it.

Because of Barrack Two’s massive size, strength and aggressive nature the captain had high hopes and great expectations for him but his first day on drug patrol proved disastrous. A local with long dreadlocks scored a big bag of ganja, sat under a palm tree in the captain’s yard and rolled up a spliff (cone-shaped marijuana cigar), but before he could take a toke Barrack rushed from the bushes, grabbed the spliff, flew up in a Mahogany tree and ate the whole thing. After the dreadlocked perpetrator abandoned his vigil, Barrack came down from his perch but instead of returning to duty he went after the neighbor’s chickens. Another rooster showed up to protect his harem and feathers exploded as Barrack trounced his rival and had his way with the harem.

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After Barrack finished with the hens he strutted downtown; walked into a saloon and flew up on the bar where the town drunk (Otis), was attempting to down his first drink of the day. Otis shook so violently that he couldn’t hold a glass of beer and it was the bartender’s usual routine to serve Otis his first drink in a saucer. Otis steadied himself with both hands and with his chin firmly planted on the bar he took his first slurp and waited for his nerves to settle enough to hold a shot glass.

Meanwhile, Barrack saw his own reflection in the mirror behind the liquor bottles; mistook it for another rival and attacked it. Liquor bottles were crashing to the floor before Otis was done slurping his first drink. The piano player’s monkey raced down the bar after Barrack and dragged his testicles through Otis’ saucer of beer. Otis growled at the piano player, “Hey, do you know your monkey just dragged his testicles through my saucer of beer?” The piano player said, “No sir, but perhaps if you could hum a few chords I might pick it up?” The monkey chased Barrack out the door of the saloon and down the street where Barrack took refuge in a “Monkey No-Climb Tree (thorn tree).” While Barrack took a siesta, the captain shook his head in disbelief that deputy Barrack had abandoned ship on his first day of duty. Another deputy gone bad, in the tropics, day come and; day go…by Jacques Le Foot