HAVING “THE TALK” – PART 2
In the last issue, we discussed talking to your parents about giving up their car keys. Today we’re going to talk about broaching the subject of moving to assisted living with them. This is a subject that is very dear to MY heart, as I was Director of Admissions for an Assisted Living Community for nearly five years, and still consider many of the residents there to be part of my family.
The first thing I will tell you is this, and if you know me, you’ve heard me say this a thousand times, “It’s an Assisted Living Community, not a FACILITY.” My thought on this is, facilities have bars on the doors and windows, communities are made up of friends and neighbors. Once you get past referring to it as a facility, it should be smooth sailing from then on!
I would recommend that before you even talk to mom or dad about it, that you do some research on your own. Ask your friends, people from church, or their doctor, then, narrow your choices down to two or three, and do some preliminary research on your own before you even discuss it with your parents.
It may be that your mom has always said that when she’s ready to move to Assisted Living, she knows that she wants to go to a certain community. That will make your job much easier. Let me begin by telling you what Assisted Living Communities are NOT.
They are NOT nursing homes. Many of us made promises to our parents years ago that we would never “put them in a nursing home.” Gone are the days of taking Grandma “out for ice cream”, and returning home without Grandma. Assisted Living Communities are full of active, senior citizens, who still love life, but who no longer want the responsibilities that come with home ownership, and whose children want to know that if they need additional help, it’s there.
They are NOT Rehab Hospitals. If you move your parent into an assisted living community, and, let’s say, for example, they fall and break a hip. There’s a very real chance that when they are released from the hospital, they will have to go to a rehab hospital before they are able to return to the community. This is for their own good, and it will only help them to be stronger when they do return. They will most likely also receive outpatient physical therapy once they return, as well.
When you do approach your parent or loved one about making this move, I recommend, again, having the child whom he or she is closest to having the initial talk. The discussion might go something like this. “Mom, with winter coming, I’ve been thinking, it worries me to think of you living alone. What do you think of checking out some Assisted Living Communities over the next couple of months? We won’t rush into anything, and you can certainly have the final say, but, I was talking to Doris’ daughter at the grocery just the other day, and her mom loves her new place!” Expect some resistance, but eventually, she will warm up to the idea.
What should you look for in an assisted living community?
In the State of Indiana, every licensed community is required to have a copy of their annual State Survey on file in their lobby. You can also find this online.
Which brings me to another point, ALWAYS, ALWAYS, INSIST that any community that you look at be licensed by the State. This is NON-NEGOTIABLE!
Do they have 24 hr. nurses IN THE BUILDING? (not just on call and available, but in the building)
What is their policy if your loved one is in the hospital? Do you still pay care charges? (Hint: You shouldn’t!)
Ask to see an activity calendar. Does it look like something your parent would be interested in?
Ask to see a menu. Can you come for a meal before you make a final decision?
Stop a family member or visitor in the hallway, and ask them if you can have a few minutes of their time, then get their observations of the community.
Stop a resident or two, and do the same thing.
Stop, Look, and SMELL! Look around, does it seem clean? Cluttered? Up to date? What about Smell? You really should not smell anything, except maybe food cooking. If you detect the smell of urine, at all, that’s a red flag, for sure! Nor, should you smell strong air fresheners.
What’s their policy on pets? Does mom or dad have a small pet, and will they be allowed to bring it along? (They will have to be able to take care of it, and there will be an extra deposit, plus, possibly, a small extra monthly fee.)
Always make an appointment to take a tour and sit down and speak with the admissions director. I know, everyone tells you to “Just drop by.” But, as a professional, I’m telling you, you’re doing yourself a disservice if you DON’T allow yourself the time to speak with the person who can give you the CORRECT information. If you decide it’s worth a second look, THEN, perhaps, just drop by, but never the first time. I always use the analogy, that if you were going to see your lawyer, would you “just drop by”, and be satisfied if you got to meet with his receptionist instead, because he was with another appointment, or out of the office?
Again, these are just a few key ideas, there are many, many more, and you can find books and articles online. As always, please email me at Simmonseldercare@yahoo.com with any questions you may have, especially about this subject. I realize that this is unfamiliar territory to many of you, and the last thing you want to do in this situation is to end up in the wrong community. It really is not a “One size fits all” type of thing!
Until next time, have a wonderful week!
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