HERE’S TO YOUR HEALTH
This week’s Here’s To Your Health is a continuation of Bud’s story: My first wife was the same age as me, the second was to an older woman and after that divorce, I thought what I needed, was a younger woman that I could train.
That’s when I met Mary, she was 23, I was 34, and after a brief honeymoon she had her magic piece of paper and the training began. It was business as usual, each day I went to work, came home for lunch, worked late and drank with my buddies until the bars closed and then the world’s greatest lover came home and crawled into bed with her. Mary stayed home, took care of our son and everything else including me because I needed a lot of attention.
One day, I came home for lunch and Mary wasn’t there, instead she left me a cold sandwich and a note and it didn’t say where she was or what she was doing? I thought to myself, heck her training program has barely begun and she’s not here for today’s lesson. I imagined she was at a sorority meeting so, that night when I got home, I asked, “Where was you today?” She seemed evasive? I demanded to know where she was and what she was doing and she finally confessed, “I went to an Alanon meeting!” That word can strike fear into an alcoholic’s heart, but I’d never heard of it and I had no clue what they did? I said, “What the heck is Alanon?” She said, “That’s a group of people who cannot understand why their “significant others,” drink alcohol in excess? I said, “What’s there to understand?” Mary got out her book and right there on the front cover it said, “Living with an Alcoholic.” My blood pressure hit the moon and I said, “You don’t drink alcohol and the kid drinks milk and since I’m the only other person living here, you must think that I’m an alcoholic?” She threw up her hands and said, “I am not calling you an alcoholic!” The first rule Alanon teaches them is, “Don’t tell him what he really is because he’s living in denial?” When she said she wasn’t calling me an alcoholic, I lost control and started shaking like a leaf. I said, “Damn it woman, don’t insult my intelligence by saying that, it says right there in bold print on the front of that book, “Living with an alcoholic!” I said, “Who told you about those people? She said, “Your Lawyer!” This man had been my lawyer for five years, but now I was about to fire him and furthermore, I was plotting to kill him!” Alcoholics believe they do their best thinking while they’re drinking and although normal people believe that’s a dangerous combination, I got out my bottle and started power drinking and making phone calls until I finally reached that succor around 0200 hours.
Lawyers are notorious liars and I was expecting him to tell a big one, but instead, he started asking me a bunch of fool questions and it wasn’t until after coming to Alcoholics Anonymous that I recognized those questions. And, if I would have answered more than two of them in the affirmative, he would have said that I was probably an alcoholic. That night, all 20 of my answers were, “Absolutely, No.” After I hung up, I said, “I just talked to my lawyer on the phone and he said, “I am not an alcoholic and furthermore, if you continue to associate with that bunch of flakey losers and vicious gossips and tell them I’m an alcoholic, it will ruin my reputation and I’ll divorce you. By the way, Alanon changed the name of their book from Living with an Alcoholic, to Alanon Family Group, and if you run across one of the old ones it’s a collector’s item and it’s probably safe to say that it probably got some poor woman killed! Now when women bring their Alanon Bible home, it says, Alanon Family Group so the still practicing alcoholic in her life won’t know what she’s up too! Although Mary didn’t go to anymore Alanon meeting she still has those darned pamphlets and her killer book, Living with an Alcoholic.
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