MAE JULIAN
The Best Laid Plans
Dear Readers,
Whatta life! Not only do I have to deal with a maddening diet to lose the 30 pounds I wanted to shed, (and have gained back 10), but I have to put up with the dreadful Madam Sherlock spying in my windows. I want you to know that everything she said was a big fat lie. I did NOT eat a whole bowl of batter. I cut it in half. I guess, er…the rest was sorta true. But I want to warn you that she is not to be trusted…just in case she takes over my column again.
I have never seen Madam, but I have seen her silly VW. I have seen shadows of her presence, but not her face. She does respond to my cell phone calls, though. So, I checked with her, as she is forever investigating something or someone, as I wanted to get her opinion on this case that has been in the headlines lately. I’m speaking of the disappearance of Audrey Seiler. Now, when this story first broke, Madam was contacted by a friend of hers in Madison, WI. Madam jumped on the case, as Madam is wont to do. Her take on it was thus: this was no kidnapping. This was a stressed kid who didn’t know how to handle the expectations and pressure to succeed. Her parents were well known and successful. Audrey had been a shining light, and a straight A student throughout her life. She was the golden child. She was keeping up appearances, so to speak, and there was no way of escape, in her mind. So she came up with a plan. Madam says don’t judge too quickly the actions of Audrey.
I remember once when I came up with a plan. My mother gave me a list of chores to do. Now, she usually didn’t give me too much to do, but she probably was getting sick of having to do everything herself, or was pregnant or something. Anyway, I decided that I absolutely was NOT going to do the chores, so I decided to run away from home. I went to Bonnie Springer’s house. I figured that I could hide out there until my mother became worried about me and then, boy, would she be sorry. She would fret and cry and probably call the firehouse and rouse my father out of his Snooker game with his fellow firefighters, and they would launch a search. I had such a well-concocted fantasy that it almost seemed real, as if it were already happening. I stayed with Bonnie for several hours, long enough for all of them to get good and worried. When an appropriate amount of time went by, I got on my bike and rode it home. Just before getting home, I parked my bike in the vacant lot, and straggled home as if I had just narrowly escaped death. I got dirt on my knees and hands, rubbed my face with grass to create grass stains, and even managed to draw a bit of blood on my elbow. I stalled long enough to be “found” but no one came along. So, I had to force the “facts” upon them by going in the door. When I got in the door, my mother not only didn’t even notice I had been kidnapped, but she was madder than an old wet hen, for skipping out on my chores. My dad was still at the firehouse playing Snooker, and there was not a neighborhood search. The whole thing fell flat, and I had to do the chores anyway. I’m sure I didn’t escape a swat on the butt for dilly-dallying. So…I feel sorry for Audrey. I know just how she feels. Even Madam admitted that Audrey may have gone a bit too far, but it is hard to get a good plan out of your head, once it starts to germinate. I’m glad that there wasn’t multi-wide media when I “disappeared.” Not only was there not the media waiting to lunge on such a story, but I wasn’t even missed. When my mother reads this story today, it will be the first time she will have heard it.
Now, as to the ding-dong who wrote me a letter and wanted to know if there were such a thing as a mono-sexual, I think that he/she needs to look back to when he/she was about 13 or 14 years old and answer the question himself/herself. Now, I don’t know if Ray McCune tells his scouts this, but when I was young, our scout leader told the boys if they engaged in such activity they would go blind. I remember well the discussion that ensued about such a dilemma, and it was decided that they would just engage in the activity until they needed glasses!
Love to my Waynedale friends,
Mae
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