DEAR EDITOR:
Dear Readers,
(This e-mail was supposedly sent to the Editor of Men’s Health Magazine. Note: We could not find any business called the Allen Business Exchange, but thought that this was an interesting piece.)
Dear Editor:
Upon finding ourselves listed in your magazine as the Dumbest City in the Nation, we of the Allen Business Exchange, a group of business people in Fort Wayne, Indiana, decided to help you clear your offices and homes of all those pesky products that were invented in Fort Wayne.
By return mail, or even fax, (if you haven’t already unplugged it to ship back to us) please advise us of a convenient pick-up date for the following items:
-All your television sets born in Fort Wayne, Indiana.
-Turntables, used to be called phonographs, morphed into turntables.
-Every fax machine you own or lease; we even want the broken one in the storage room. You may be able to find a repairman, and that wouldn’t be fair.
-Hand over your hand-held calculators, the inventor never meant to be ridiculed so figure it out for yourself.
-Get the screwdriver out and remove your garbage disposal. Once called Bill Morrill’s electric pig, the garbage disposal certainly helps you in the kitchen, but it looks like life is going to get a bit tougher for you. You can handle it.
-And while we are working in the kitchen, dig out those three cans of baking powder. Biscuits just won’t be quite so fluffy and tasty, but you’ll survive.
-Before we leave the kitchen, clean out your refrigerators and freezers for shipping. They too were invented in Fort Wayne.
-While we are cleaning up, we will take all your washing machines. Our Horton Washing Machine Company invented, produced and sold the first self-contained cleaning appliance, which nicely replaced the corrugated washboard. We may be able to find three or four of those washboards in our antique shops, so you won’t have to be without clean clothes. Where shall we drop-ship them?
-Now, let’s see all the products you have with magnet wire in them. Yes, we’re the world’s magnet wire capitol. Invented here, manufactured here!
-We’ll need you to box up your computers, radios, and the engines and motors of your automobiles, SUVs, airplanes, boats, even your hearing aids.
-Next we’ll take the wiring harness from your vehicles, as well as, all the motors in your electrical appliances.
-Oh, yes, we need your Public Address System—-magnet wire you know. It’s just everywhere nowadays.
-Carefully pack all your hi-fi equipment, now known as stereo, plus all the transistor radios, TVs, and watches. Ask your parents how to wind a wristwatch, because we are hauling away all those nifty little self-winding jobs.
-It won’t bother you so much to give up your automobiles when you learn that you can no longer fuel them easily. We are taking all your gasoline pumps. They too were invented here.
-Oh…almost forgot, those kiddy cars that are battery operated. Crate them up too. No Slattery’s Battery for you!
-Entertainment has always been big here. So get all your jukeboxes packed up, and all your video games, all copy cats of our original Pac-Man.
-Now we want the lights from the tops of your tall towers…the ones that notifies the maintenance group and the F.A.A. when they burn out.
-Of course you won’t even hear about the new Zoom product that feeds information about traffic hazards and road conditions to the GPS system, that is another story…you’ll have to read about it in the newspaper, as soon as the pony express gets your edition to you, that is.
-How soon can you get solar powered lighting for your city? Yes, municipal lighting systems were invented here, and the first night baseball game was held here, too. Give up your nighttime sports? Uh-huh. We will just make a clean sweep of it.
Well, thanks for all the goodies. Send a messenger down to let us know when you have reinvented all the items you no longer have available, and we’ll see if we can find someone to get you back into the current century, whenever that may be.
Oh! And if this is what “stupid” people can invent, imagine what all of you “smart” people are capable of!
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