Ohhhhhhhhhhhh- hhhhh I just have to tell you I got a fan letter recently or should I say a non-fan e-mail? It seems I’ve offended a certain person who says she represents all of Waynedale in telling my editors “. . . our” thoughts of the not so good restaurant review column.” AND. “Speaking for Waynedale, we did not miss her and her ‘tubby hubby’ when they left previously and we would not miss them if they would just please leave again. Wherever they went probably sent them away! Thus the explanation as to why they’re here again being as nice as we are here in Waynedale.”
She said, “I believe the reason her supposed restaurant review column gets attention is due to the fact that it is written in such ‘bad taste’, forgive the pun please. “It is a well known fact that smut sells.”
She said, “I’m sorry to say though indeed that I’m glad that my parents and grandparents are deceased so they don’t have to tolerate looking at the little paper I know they took pride in for so long running smutty, low class innuendo for sales purposes. I know for a fact my little Irish/Scottish Grandmother would’ve given Mrs. Waynedale a piece of her mind about her trashy columns. In lieu of her being gone I’ll do it gladly for her.”
I would like to answer her e-mail first of all by saying, “I’m sorry I’ve offended you or anyone, dead or alive, young or old, well endowed or not.”
1 – Even though you gave The Waynedale News permission to print your e-mail letter along with your name and phone number, they would probably rather not since you listed your full name in the phone book and not by initials like most single or divorced women or in a dead husband’s name like some widowed women do to keep from getting crank or obscene phone calls. You probably wouldn’t want that or would you?
You mentioned the street you live on and that is never a good idea either, therefore I would suggest that my editors not publish your e-mail/letter for safety reasons. Please, in the future just sign your name to let us know that a for real live person wrote it but we won’t publish it.
2 – You don’t represent all of Waynedale as witnessed by the fact that I have more positive letters and e-mails coming in than negative.
3 – You said, “. . . she is now ranting about everyone else’s sex life or lack of.” Now I ask you, is that the proper way to end a sentence?
4 – You said, “Maybe there is a future for you in some skin rag.” I’m assuming that is a ‘dirty magazine’. Which one are you reading? I may send them some material.
5 – I never said which Pizza Hut restaurant we went to or what town it was in and I do cover a lot of territory besides the confines of Waynedale, Indiana as witnessed by previously published, as you mentioned, “. . . crass and off task,” columns.
6 – Anyway, you ended your wordage with, “. . . stick your column where the sun doesn’t shine since that is without a doubt where your mind is also.” Now I think that is about as nasty a statement can be don’t you? I wonder; did you mean me or my editors?
7 – All in all I find your letter amusing and perhaps you’re somewhat correct in that maybe I should go back to where I can enjoy the sunshine and not have a lot of snow and where I don’t have to worry about having tan lines and I can enjoy my ‘Freedom of Speech’.
8 – I do want to thank you for taking the time to communicate your thoughts (and those of the dead people you mentioned) about the contents of that particular column.
9 – I promise I’ll try to clean up my act, be a good girl, “. . . and straighten up and fly right,” as my daddy used to say.
10– You mentioned, “. . . ranting.”
According to Webster’s Dictionary, ‘rant’ means:
A – a bombastic extravagant speech
B – bombastic extravagant language
C – a rousing good time
Here, for me, I would have to pick ‘C’ (a rousing good time) because that’s what Wayne and I have; I’m not sure if it could be called ‘bombastic’.
Till next time
(if there is a next time),
“Wayne, should I roll my column up first?”