Ohhhhhhhhhhhh I just have to tell you, Wayne and I are going on vacation and I just don’t have time to go visit any place that’s exciting this week but I found something that someone sent me and I thought I’d pass it on to you all. I think it was meant to be a slam on southern folk but if you’ve ever been in the south you will find that most of this is exactly true, especially in Florida.
Southern women know their summer weather report: Humidity, humidity, humidity.
Southern women know their cool vacation spots: The beach, the rivuh, and the crick.
Southern women know everybody’s first name: Honey, Darlin’, and Shugah.
Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts: Fried Green Tomatoes, Driving Miss Daisy, Steel Magnolias, and Gone With The Wind.
Southern women know their religions: Baptist, Methodist, and Football.
Southern women know their seasons: Trout, Squirrel, Deer, and Turkey.
Southern women know their cities dripping with southern charm: Chawl’stn, S’vanah, Foat Wuth, N’awlins, and Addlanna.
Southern women know their gentlemen: Men in uniform, Men in cowboy tuxedos, a man in new bib overalls, and Rhett Butler.
Southern girls know their favorite spots: The Mall, the Country Club, Bubba’s Rib Corral, and the Beauty Salon.
Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins: Havin’ bad hair, havin’ bad nails, havin’ bad manners, and cookin’ bad food.
Only southern gals know the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and you don’t “HAVE” ‘em, you “PITCH” ‘em.
Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up “a mess.”
Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of “yonder.”
Only a Southerner knows exactly how long “d’rectly” is, as in: “Going to town; be back d’rectly.”
Even Southern babies know that “Gimme some sugar” is not a request for the white, granular, sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
All Southerners know exactly when “by and by” is.
Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best thing for a neighbor who’s got trouble is a big ol’ plate of hot fried chicken, a big bowl of cold potato salad, or a green bean casserole. If the neighbor’s trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin’.
Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between “right near” and “a right fer piece.” They also know that “just down the road” can be 1 mile or 20.
A Southerner knows the difference if you’re a redneck, a good ol’ boy, and po’ white trash.
A Southerner knows that fixin’ can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
Southerners make friends while standing in lines ‘cause they talk to everybody.
In the south, y’all is singular, all y’alls is plural.
Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat ‘em and if you can’t stand a spoon upright in the middle of a bowl of grits then they just ain’t fittin’ fer eatin’.
Southerners know that tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, with red eye gravy and coffee are perfectly wonderful as breakfast food; but fried green tomatoes ain’t; they’s a supper food.
When you hear someone say, “Well, I caught myself lookin’,” you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner.
Only true southerners say “sweet tea” and “sweet milk.” Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar — we do not like our tea unsweetened. “Sweet milk” means you aren’t askin’ for buttermilk.
A true Southerner knows you don’t scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway; you just say, “Well bless her heart,” and go on your way.
To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southernese: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the mornin’.
Bless your little hearts.
And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southernese stuff – bless your little hearts also.
Not to worry; I hear they are fixin’ to have classes on Southernese at IPFW as a second language.
Till next time,
“Wayne, quit that; you’ve ruined two pair of my panty hose already.”